Read at your own risk...This is not going to be a cheery one

My dam is about to burst, so feel free to skip this one. I'm not editing it, I'm not going back and rereading it, I'm not going to make it nice and fluffy. It is what it is.

Since Saturday, I have been on my own. Kevin's hours have kicked into the insane and he's been at work since early Saturday morning, with just a few hours off on Sunday morning. This will continue until Thursday night. Topping that off with the knowledge that in two weeks he leaves for a month and a half, and I'm reaching the end of my emotional rope.

Patience is a skill I struggle with and this particular career requires alot.

Tonight he's finished with work, but staying at work because his guys, the ones who do the actual manual labor, are not. He says it's important to be there for moral support and that for him to leave would be setting a double standard.

Damn him for being right.

I don't know how the spouses who have been doing this for 20 years manage it. Kevin says it takes practice and I'll get better at it. I'm not so sure. Is it possible to be thankful for and respectful of a career choice, while (occasionally) hating it at the same time? I feel embarrassed and guilty for not hiding my frustration well. I know he doesn't need my emotional mess added onto his already crazed schedule. I want to be the type who's supportive and cheerful and hides all the other baggage. I would like to be patient and steady and alot stronger than I think I am. I chose to be part of this life and when the end result is being married to somebody so important to me, I can't say that I regret it. But that doesn't mean I like all parts of it.

I don't feel any of those things that I want to be. I feel whiny and clingy and angry and frustrated and lonely. I want to lash out at all the policies and rules and regulations and procedures that make ZERO sense. I want to scream at the bigshots sitting somewhere in the nice offices, who make all these rules and regulations and procedures. Guys who sit in their offices, go home at 5, and spend the evenings with their families.

To make any sort of even remotely negative comment towards Kevin's chosen career is to run the risk of being labeled as "un-American." That's unfair. I respect and am thankful for him, and for all the others who share his career. But honestly, there are some times that are harder than others and right now just happens to be a hard time. Nonetheless, I feel guilty for even complaining. Things could be so much worse.

It's easy for others to tell me "suck it up" or to point out my failure to be supportive or to tell me to find something else to occupy my time. I already know all this. My head understands the logic and knows what type of steps I need to take to maintain a more stable emotional balance. Unfortunately, the head and the heart don't always agree. When this is all over, I'm going to need a reconnect with my sailor.

Okay, I'm done. At this point I'm just rambling for my own therapeutic release. You've done well if you've read this far.

And Kevin, I know you've read this far, because you want to keep tabs on me and what's going on at home. Remember that I'm just venting, that I need to put all this somewhere. It's not a list of regrets, and it's nothing we haven't talked about before. Keep doing what you're doing and I'll see you when you get home. It's been a long time since our song ran through my head, but it used to be our mantra, remember? It still is.